The X Factor Vs The General Election

I read somewhere a while ago that more people voted in the last X factor final, than in the general election.

Why is that?

This year has seen the most contraversial of both. People are currently talking about: Gamu gate, Wagner, Katie Waissel/Katie Vogel (whoever she really is), Cher turning into Cheryl, the list goes on…and on…and on….

During the election people were talking about: oh who remembers!

THIS is why. No one remembers the election! It’s all boring reporters in front of un-convincing backdroups of London and digital excel graphs. (NB: I personally LOVE the graphics during the election, but i’m guessing most people don’t.) MY suggestion is, the candidates should have to SING, with backing dancers, being berated by Simon Cowell before the election. THEN people would vote.

What’s that Cameron? Forgot about Korea? Too busy running out to by the X-Factor magazine? Who can blame you? Which would you rather worry about? Nuclear war or wether or not Matt Cardle is dating Grace Woodwood?

Personally, I’ve never voted in the X factor, i’m not gonna lie, I HAVE voted in reality television, but I think that’s ok, cause since turning 18 I’ve voted in every possible election, so it balances out. There’s another idea, if you vote in the election you get a FREE vote on the next X Factor final, then maybe we’d top it.

In 2 weeks it’s this year’s finale, I can’t wait to see if the votes top the election or not. Come on Blighty, please don’t let us down.


Nerd Prasebook

Here are some helpful, general and most importantly non-offensive phrases to use when talking to nerds.

“WoW is fun, but I just don’t have the time anymore”

“I like Mario, but lately his games seem a bit gimmicky”

“The new Star Trek movie will hopefully introduce people to the original series”

“George Lucas should probably leave Star Wars Canon alone now”

“They shouldn’t teach Microsoft office in schools. Most people use Open Office.”

“I think the Harry Potter books are better than the films.”

“Isaac Asimov doesn’t get as much attention as Philip K Dick anymore.”

“Sci-fi should be about more than flashy effects”

“I can’t wait for the next Christopher Nolan movie to come out” (Experiment with using David Fincher, Neil Blomkamp, and Hayao Miyizaki)

“I don’t think Dredd will be more famous than the camp value of the Stallone one”

“Alan Moore shouldn’t be so touchy about his work being adapted. If he helped, they might be better.”

“I like the new doctor who even better than the last one” (may require some timing, but should generally be correct for most of the year)

“I like the idea of a more faithful Akira movie, but the 80s version is iconic”

“Firefox should be the default internet browser on all computers”

“The Wii is fun, but i prefer to do my serious gaming on my computer”

“It feels like it’s too soon to reboot the Spiderman series”

“It seems like people are more interested in Bourne than Bond”

“I think Braces are sexy” (do not say when meeting child with braces, and especially not when meeting child without braces)

“I think it’s cool to live with your parents”

“The Angry Videogame Nerd used to be funny, but I think it’s wearing a bit thin”

And now here is something less helpful, more specific and slightly more offensive to use when talking to nerds

“Fuck you Specky, I just raped your mum”

Repeat, practice and Perfect!

P for Phonetics.

P’s special Room 101

That’s right gentle bloggers, it’s time for the other half of this nerdy coin to reveal the things he finds hardest to accept about this little world we live in. It’s not always easy trying to make these choices, or more specifically trying to narrow down to these choices, but I I think I have just about managed to express all the reasons I don’t go outside any more.


The films of Roland Emmerich

That’s right readers. We all saw the trailers for Stargate in the early nineties. It had awesome sci-fi folding masks, lots of shooting and action and everything looked great. Then we went to see it and the tension leading up to them going through the gate was unbearable….because everything leading up to it was mind numbingly boring! Then they go through and it’s amazing! Then they arrive…and it’s mind numbingly boring. Every decent moment in this movie was in the trailer, watching that was far better than seeing the movie (this then went on to become a kick ass TV show, but that’s another story). Then we had Independance day. Trailer showed lots of blowing up and some pretty sweet Jeff Goldbloom action, so we bit. Then the build up to the explosions was unbearable….precisely because, once again, everything leading up to it was so mind numbingly boring! Eventually we get our explosions, and it’s back to boredum (this then went on to be a shitty playstation game, which is broadly the same story). Then we had Godzilla! Trailer, boring, lizard attack, boring, death! Then there was the day after tomorrow; trailer, boring, hurricane, boring boring boring WAIT! Global Warming is bad? Oh my god, you just blew my mind!  Then 10,000 BC…well we all knew that was going to be terrible. That’s why none of us saw it. And finally we have 2012, another big blockbuster with things falling down. And predicatbly, the trailer excited us, the buildup was tedious, the action all revealed in the trailer and the rest immensely boring! But he’s also got some creepier sins under his belt than just making us watch his stock characters trudge through sand, ice or prehistoric earth for hours. In his film the patriot he portrayed British soldiers burning homes, mass killing innocent civilians and executing prisoners during the American war of Independance. Now there’s no evidence the British got up to any of this, in fact these brutal tactics aren’t particularly common amongst European armies….except for one. A certain group of national socialists from Germany, who made a name for themselves back in the thirties and forties. So what, exactly, is Rolland Emmerich (a German film maker) trying to achieve with this innacuracy? You decide, I still can’t get over two hours of Dennis Quaid in the fucking snow.


Rap music

Yes, i do seem to be cheating don’t I. First for my movie I pick an entire CV, and then for music I pick an entire genre. Well I hate rap music, I always have. Alot of people may choose to attack the materialist and aggressive lyrics and the unhelpful message being put out by people who are rapidly becoming the next generations greatest idols, but I really don’t care about that. Kids always pick bad idols, and I almost never listen to song lyrics. Took me years to realise that Avenged sevenfold were quite religious and Iron Maiden seem to have quite an interest in history. There’s also accusations of misoginy in the Rap world, which is indeed concerning but for me it’s just the blandness of the music. It’s hard to pick out any instruments being played (and yes I realise exactly how old that makes me sound. I’m 21!) there’s no tune to catch, there’s just nothing that impresses. Instead, I feel quite awkward around rap. Whenever it appears on a movie soundtrack I feel a mixture of annoyance and embarrassment. This irritation is further provoked by how repetitive and simplistic it seems to be. It’s entirely interchangeable, I doubt anyone can actually tell what it is they’re listening to until they start talking (not singing, talking, admiteadly quite quickly, but definately talking) the lyrics I don’t care about. Am I racist? God no, Black culture extends WAY beyond this noise.


Spiderman: One more day

Is Twilight debasing vampire mythology and goth culture? Yes, and it’s a concern. Am I (a young writer) annoyed that someone with the technical skill of Dan Brown can be published and only outsold by a biography of Katie Price? Fuck yeah! Does it bother me that Mein Kampf still sells so well? Well I own a copy, and I’m very liberal. But it is a concern, yes. Is dostoyevski overreated? He does tend to be bogged down in the descriptive and his works are often disjointed and chaotic and not to good affect. But fuck all of this, I’m gonna talk about spiderman! I love Spiderman. I always have done. I’ve been reading the books since I was a very small child and continue to do so to this day! Those unfamiliar with the story: Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and turned into spiderman. After the Marvel Civil War, Spiderman had revealed his identity and was now on the run from the cops and all his former superhero friends. He’s at a low point and just as he returns to his wife, MJ, and his aunt, May, a sniper takes a shot at Peter, but fortunately he misses….Peter. Aunt May, on the other hand, is not so fortunate. She spends the next few issues on life support as Spidey hunts down the sniper and finds out he was employed by the Kingpin. He beats the Kingpin almost to death and then begins his fuious attempt to save his aunt. This is where our book begins. It starts off dark enough, Aunt May is nearly dead, and Peter is running out of options. Tony Stark gives him money, but it won’t save her. Then he is met by three apparitions. One a small girl, one a reclusive nerd (nothing wrong with that) and the other an aging billionaire who’s true love got away. He then meets the devil, who reveals that both of the men he just met were alternate versions of him. He offers Peter and MJ a deal. He will change reality so that Aunt May lives and no one knows his identity, but Peter and MJ will have to sacrifice their marriage. After some tearful final moments together they agree and Peter wakes up in his old bed, in his Aunts house, no memory of his marriage to MJ….what…the….FUCK! That’s a total Deux Ex Machima! Oh so Spidey takes a dark turn, develops some interesting character traits and an uncertain future so you just wave a wand and make it all better again! Bullshit! Oh, and the little girl? That was the child he and MJ would have had, if they had declined the deal….nice! What the fuck is up with Peter and his aunt anyway? He treats her with innapropriate affection quite often, and now he’s giving up his wife to be with her? Gross! Since this book we have had a nice return to form for Spidey, we see him fighting new enemies and facing new problems and he’s as funny as ever. But why couldn’t he have done this with a dead aunt and a nice wife? Maybe MJ is the one working in the soup kitchen approached my Mr. Negative, thing of that shit! The book completely undermines the last year of Spider story building and just feels clumsy and rushed.  And to the Marvel writers out there, one word: Retcon!

Famous person

Uwe Boll

Hang on P! Surely you’ve had your movies pick and can’t pick Boll as well. Well it’s not the terrible movies I take issue with here, because you’d have to know about this guy to hunt them out anyway. You’re not going to see a trailer for an Uwe Boll film and just go see it! So what’s my problem? The biggest problem I can have with another human being is arrogance. Is there any other trait as ugly, annoying, or self-absorbed as arrogance? This is reflected in my picks for this position (James Cameron, Bono, Bob Geldoff, the Gallagher’s). But this isn’t enough! It needs to be backed up with a healthy dosage of stupidity (Jamelia, Katie Price, Peter Andre, Tom Cruise, etc.) and mindless aggression (Russel crowe, Mel Gibson…I spend too much time thinking about these people). Well Uwe Boll ticks every box! He’s an idiot who keeps making dreadful movies about great games, none of which have anything to do with the source material, and he refuses to acknowledge how dreadful he is! Why should I go on bashing this douche when he speaks for himself? “Actors don’t have real value.” “Alone (in the dark) is a much better film than House of the Dead and better than most horror movies out today.” “(on whether he could get Megan Fox to appear naked in his films)  I don’t know. She looks like a bitch so why she shouldn’t do it?” “So if you want to have a great video game-based movie you have to keep the mood of the game, use the normal character setup – but you have to flesh out the story and provide more background for the characters. (THEN DO THAT!) “If people hate me they hate me” He even manages to take all the joy out of hating him! Quite literally in some cases as the ex-boxer would occassionally challenge his critics to boxing matches! Only the weedy ones of course! He would always conduct a thorough background search and if the opponent had studied any martial arts or had any chance of winning, he would back down (such was the case with the online critic Seanbaby). There are endless online petitions to get this douchebag to retire, so please, go and add a signiture to one of them!

Modern life

Scart Cables

My, what a nerdy list you have, Mr. P. Well all the better to rock you with, because I’m putting these useless things on the list! I have a pretty swish but fragile set up. I have the big TV, I have the DVD player, the regionless DVD player, the DVD recorder, the Sky+ box, the surround sound, and even the VHS, and whilst I am aware that I’ll have expended an awful lot of sympathy there, I will point out that it cost alot more than I actually have, and what is more, it’s held together by the technological equivalent of blutack! My TV is resting on a bookcase that’s ever so slightly thinner than the TV itself, and more rickety than Cheryl Cole’s popularity. What I’m getting at is that it’s a bitch to get around the back of the thing, something I imagine it has in common with a lot of televisions. They are, afterall, big heavy mother fuckers that weren’t really made to be lugged around, despite how rugged my physique may be. So when I suddenly realise that a DVD player no longer registers on my TV, I am more inclined to go somewhere and weep for a few hours than actually clamber around the back of the fucking thing to fumble around with the damn cables. They slip out easier than me with that fat chick, break faster than Nick Clegg under pressure and suck with the force and power of Tom Cruise asking for another Speilberg role and/or reassurance from some freak in a bathrobe that he is a good little Thetan, whatever’s funnier. So, yeah, I am left wondering if it’ll ever become intuitive to feel out the angled end of these things. And yes, I realise that HDMI ports are quickly making these things redundant and quite rightly so, but until they come down in price a little and TVs start coming with more than two of them, I’m stuck with these little bastards.

Biggest fear

Giant Statues

I could be grimly grim and put death in my suave existentialist manner but ultimately, though I spend my nights staring into my pillow conemplating the nothingness that ultimately awates us all and how unlikely it is any kind of greater being planned this particular strain of monkeys who can drive, but really whilst I’ll happily watch any movie in which some nubile teens in the prime of their lives getting their asses fed to them, I’ll still cringe at the argonath scene in Fellowship of the Ring. It’s hard for me to explain what exactly it is about giant stone manifestations of living beings, but god damn it freaks me the shit out! Statue of liberty is fine, nothing happening there, and I’ll gladly stand under the angel of the North and laugh at it’s lack of giant genetalia. But once you start getting to the sort of shit they’re erecting in Asia these last hundred years or so it’s spare underpants time! I love pretty much anything that any Japanese person can think of but that Ushiku Daibutsu thing is taking the piss and half the bladder along with it. And that motherland is calling statue is quite clearly the worst thing to ever come out of communist russia! I think it can date back to a horrible nightmare I once had as a child in which a giant flaming elephant stalked around the horizon of a desolate post apcalypse landscape, occasionally raising it’s giant head to belch fire into the sky through it’s mile long hooter, and whilst it seemed very much as far away as the end to the recession or Batman 3, I always got the impression it’s was in fact right on top of me, glaring down with it’s cold dead eyes like the next Will Farrel flick always seems to be and to similar cock shrivelling effect! I’m pretty sure this is quite a rare phobia, I can’t even find a suitable word for it. If any latin speaking users happen to be reading, then by all means send something along for the therapist.

Those are a few of my least favourite things.